In the name of loyalty

Have you ever met a person who often claims others are being disloyal? I am not a psychiatrist, counselor or have any back ground training in these matters, but it just seems to me that people who are continually hounding others to be “loyal” (meaning do as they deem best) are not concerned about loyalty but are instead controlling people using emotional manipulation.

Just like genuine respect, true loyalty can only be one way. In other words, loyalty is support you give because you have a certain affiliation or connection to a person or organization. Because of this affiliation you make decisions in line with their philosophy or cause. It is putting another need above your own and is independent of other people’s wishes. True loyalty is not a response to a demand; that is fear.

Loyalty is not a code of conduct people can use to force you to make decisions beneficial to their cause. That is emotional manipulation that uses some form of repercussion for not complying with their demands, in this case toxic shaming. When someone tries to make you react based on otherwise being publicly labeled “disloyal”, you are more likely dealing with a controlling person who is using emotional manipulation to achieve their goals. And these goals are often unmet emotional needs you have no responsibility of or control over anyway.

Often, the manipulator has created an image of themselves and their lives (in their own minds and to other people) and this image is scripted based on the dysfunction connected to the unmet emotional needs. This image can also change without you knowing it, all based on which emotional need is ranked highest at a certain moment. Your purpose is similar to a character in a movie whose only reason for existence is to support that image, or story if you like.

As a character in a movie, you are given lines and responses and your response to this role is then measured in “loyalty”. But the loyalty is loyalty to this scripted image, not a cause you chose, and if you do not fully comply, you are shamed as disloyal and without a genuine opportunity to defend yourself.

I find loyalty one of the most admirable traits in a person because loyalty is a voluntary response based on your connection with a person or organization. This connection then leads to a dedication that results in loyalty. That is why loyalty cannot be demanded; if a person is not loyal to a cause, maybe the cause is not in line with the person’s convictions and philosophy and demanding a person shows loyalty is a sham and unrealistic. People doing this are incidentally often themselves not very loyal because the script is more important than the characters forced into it and the rules of engagement change according to the needs.

Toxic shaming is not treating someone with respect but shows I still do not matter as a person. I will no longer play a character in your movie but you are always welcome to join me in life. I cannot demand respect of you, but I can require you to treat me with respect.