In the name of loyalty

Have you ever met a person who often claims others are being disloyal? I am not a psychiatrist, counselor or have any back ground training in these matters, but it just seems to me that people who are continually hounding others to be “loyal” (meaning do as they deem best) are not concerned about loyalty but are instead controlling people using emotional manipulation.

Just like genuine respect, true loyalty can only be one way. In other words, loyalty is support you give because you have a certain affiliation or connection to a person or organization. Because of this affiliation you make decisions in line with their philosophy or cause. It is putting another need above your own and is independent of other people’s wishes. True loyalty is not a response to a demand; that is fear.

Loyalty is not a code of conduct people can use to force you to make decisions beneficial to their cause. That is emotional manipulation that uses some form of repercussion for not complying with their demands, in this case toxic shaming. When someone tries to make you react based on otherwise being publicly labeled “disloyal”, you are more likely dealing with a controlling person who is using emotional manipulation to achieve their goals. And these goals are often unmet emotional needs you have no responsibility of or control over anyway.

Often, the manipulator has created an image of themselves and their lives (in their own minds and to other people) and this image is scripted based on the dysfunction connected to the unmet emotional needs. This image can also change without you knowing it, all based on which emotional need is ranked highest at a certain moment. Your purpose is similar to a character in a movie whose only reason for existence is to support that image, or story if you like.

As a character in a movie, you are given lines and responses and your response to this role is then measured in “loyalty”. But the loyalty is loyalty to this scripted image, not a cause you chose, and if you do not fully comply, you are shamed as disloyal and without a genuine opportunity to defend yourself.

I find loyalty one of the most admirable traits in a person because loyalty is a voluntary response based on your connection with a person or organization. This connection then leads to a dedication that results in loyalty. That is why loyalty cannot be demanded; if a person is not loyal to a cause, maybe the cause is not in line with the person’s convictions and philosophy and demanding a person shows loyalty is a sham and unrealistic. People doing this are incidentally often themselves not very loyal because the script is more important than the characters forced into it and the rules of engagement change according to the needs.

Toxic shaming is not treating someone with respect but shows I still do not matter as a person. I will no longer play a character in your movie but you are always welcome to join me in life. I cannot demand respect of you, but I can require you to treat me with respect.

Thanksgiving 2011

I love decorating the table and every event challenges me to think of something new.

This year I wanted to have a rustic and simple feeling for our Thanksgiving table. My earlier post shows an oil lamp I had made of a canning jar and potpourri and I decided to build the table setting around this item. I also decided to skip any frillies such as place cards and favors in order to keep the simple feeling.

So, I went shopping, or rather scrounging. I found some silk flowers priced down from $20 each to a total bill of $2.95 (!!) and then stumbled upon chargers and napkin rings for a ridiculously low price! Finding a table cloth and napkins that matched the colors, theme and price proved to be a little harder but then I found some fabrics that were the perfect colors and on sale.

At the end of the day I had had spent $15,- and had this pile of items to work with:

And this is what I made with it:

The colors on this picture are not really accurate. The red from my walls are reflecting and influencing the image.

I didn't have enough ocher yellow for a proper sized napkin, so I had to add a little. Was ok, though.

It may not be the most beautiful or creative table and I am sure that some annoyingly perfect person could have done it much better. (Being perfect is more often an expression of self absorbtion.) My point is that you need not have a truck load of money to make a beautiful table and most of all have a wonderful time with you family!!

And what did we eat? Ham, mash potatoes, stuffing, sweet potatoes in butter and brown sugar, green beans with bacon and goat cheese, corn, gravy, crescent rolls, corn bread, cranberries, apple sauce, apple pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie and cherry pie, all from fresh produces in a form I can still recognize :-)

I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful and left you with truly perfect memories.

Oil lamp

Next week is Thanksgiving and, like every year, I want the table decorations to reflect some element of the past year. These past years have been very strenuous for so many people. Many have lost their jobs and homes and others have "just" had to tighten the belt, very tight. I have also noticed a trend in reverting back to more home made items. Sewing has become increasingly more popular and so has gardening.

We too have to plan our Holidays carefully and not spend frivolously. So, my mission became to have a nice Thanksgiving meal, on a shoestring. To me, the table setting is as important to the meal as the food. My grandmother, who was an amazing cook, always said "Don't forget, the eyes want something too." She knew that the meal had to be high quality and that the presentation was equally important. You cannot leave one out.

Combining the gardening and budget theme, I found this really neat idea instead of candles (if you haven't noticed, candles are becoming pretty expensive) and this oil lamp provides the lighting and reflect the theme.

You need a canning jar with a flat and ring or a lid, a wick and glass flange, lamp oil and potpourri. The potpourri is optional and just for aesthetics, it doesn't really add much scent. Since I had some really old (more than 15 years!) still sitting around, I used that as decoration. Second hand stores will sometimes have some potpourri you could use.

I first made a hole in the lid that fit the flange. You will want to first create a nail hole and then use a (metal) drill bit. My husband got interested in the project and helped out with the drilling, but you can do it on your own.

I then filled the about 3/4 with potpourri and added lamp oil. Fill the jar until 1/2 inch from the top. If you want to save a little on lamp oil, you could fill the jar halfway with water first and then carefully add oil. The oil will float on top of the water. Just make sure your wick is only in the oil and doesn't reach down into the water.

Feed the flange through the hole in the lid and pull down the wick until you only have a very little bit showing. I was amazed how little wick it took. If it is too long, your flame will be much too large!

Put the flat and ring (or lid) on the jar and help the wick down into the oil and potpourri with a skewer. You will need to let it sit for a few minutes before lighting the lamp - the wick needs some time to absorb the oil.

When the wick feels damp to the touch, you can light your lamp. If the flame is too large, blow the lamp out, let it cool (!!!) and pull the wick down a little until you reach the desired flame.

Can't wait to incorporate these into my table setting next week.

Brined Turkey

I have for a long time (really, years) been wanting to brine a turkey but my chaotic home life did not really give me the time to more than just read about it. But, as it turns out, it is not anywhere near as time consuming as I had made it out to be.

The Food Network has many recipes and I chose one that uses 1 gallon of water, 1 pound of salt, 1 pound of honey, and two quarts of vegetable broth. It recommends using a cooler to place the turkey in. Since I didn't have one or felt very compelled to spend money to buy one and our weather last night was a perfect 36F degrees, I used my "outdoor refrigerator" and placed the turkey in a bucket lined with a couple of food grade plastic bags.

After a cozy night in my cool backyard, I removed the bird from the brine and dried it very well with paper towel. Then I place in on a couple of layers of tin foil, greased it with oil and seasoned the bird with sage and ....garam masala. :-)








My husband prepped the grill (with a little help from Max) and I placed the turkey on one side and the coals on the other with the vents slightly open on both sides. You need a lot of coals to keep the side with the turkey warm enough for 2-3 hours!!



On the coals, I placed a large piece of Hickory wood chip and a foil package with cinnamon bark, stark anise and a stalk of lemon grass.Then I closed the lid and patiently (hahahahaha) watched the smoked ooze out of grill. After awhile, I was no longer able to keep the temperature high enough on the side of the turkey, so I placed it over the coals where it remained a stable 350F.

After 3 hours, the turkey was done and smelled so good that I completely forgot to take a picture of it first. It was the most moist and tasteful turkey I have ever had and I will from now on always brine before grilling.

Guess a carved turkey is good evidence of a good meal :-)